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Conduct, Becoming

Well,

I actually forgot that I posted something in May. I posted the same thing on Facebook, but was met with you vitriol about how the world does not revolve around me. I was pretty angry at the sentiment. But it couldn't be helped. In the end, it's just a comment by someone that I was never close with and does understand me. Admittedly, I do not understand myself, but at least I realize that. Now.

I think that's mostly what I would find if I took the time to read all of the entries that I've posted in this journal over the last decade. More?

It's been a long time. I'd say that this year has been the most trying yet, but I think that they will all be the hardest until I find what it is that I want to do, not that I'm not doing anything now. I am, but it took a long time to find. It's, so far, much better than working at Enterprise and the money is better, though the benefits are a bit lacking in some areas. Still, working 14 hours a week at Vitamin World was a drag, and even then I was just excited to be working.

I don't necessarily like having to drive up to Tampa every day, but it could be worse. Honestly, it's not a very bad drive. At least most mornings it is very pretty. It rains most nights that I'm driving home, and it would be pretty as well if it weren't so torrential. That is, I am mostly unable to see at all. Tomorrow is the first payday, which is funny since this post will mirror my first payday in Japan from 2011. My computer had broken on that day and I had to buy a new hard drive. I was pretty upset, but happy that I could immediately blow all of my money drinking alone in my apartment, sitting on the floor, watching whatever shows I could download or find streaming. That was my excitement and I was more than happy to be broke for two weeks, just to afford $40 worth of Mos Burger every night after drinking copious amounts of Chu-Hi and sake. It's really no surprise that did not enjoy Japan. I didn't really enjoy the last year in Korea as well, partly because that's exactly what I did every night as well, granted I ate a lot more cheese ramyeon. Big difference! I was miserable, but I that's where drinking leaves you. Part of me knew it, ALL of me knew it; I was at once smart enough to know the dangers of what I was doing and blatant enough to say, "Fuck that." And so I drank and I blamed it on boredom, and I still maintain that to a degree, I was bored but I'm not sure that the drinking solved anything. Boredom never was the cause. I think that I just hated myself and felt so removed from anyone close that I didn't care what I did to my body.

I'm not sure that I've completely rectified the situation of self-love, but I do feel an appreciable amount of self-worth that I haven't felt in a long time. I'm not sure I'll ever get over trying to be perfect and viewing myself as less than I am, because I cannot adhere to those guidelines. At least I can acknowledge that. I'm trying to be as humble as I can, but it's proving diffifult. I don't know what I have to brag about, but things are going well. Laurel and I have been together for over a year. June 8, 2012. We have a house and dogs and Saturday I am going to buy a car. I have a job and most weekends off. This is what I came home to do. Now that I have it, I want more. And that's the rub, I'll always want more. I think learning your limitations is a valuable lesson, if I thought I had limitations. Two wolves. Haha. Must they always be redefined?

And so the cycle goes...things are better, much better than they were. I enjoy my current stage in life, and I'm mostly happy save for the neurosis that I inflict upon myself, but overall satisfied so far. I hope a year from now, I can read this and be that much further along with whatever it is that I continue to further along. Until then, get amongst it!

James

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