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Volume 14: A New Year


I find it's always helpful to get the mundane writing out of the way first-- burn off the excess, if you will. I don't think that I've posted much at all in the past few years. In fact, I know that I haven't posted much in the past few years. That is the subject of the day, though in a more round-a-bout way than I had planned. Is the lack of writing a symptom of something larger? I think that at the very least it suggests a lack of motivation. But why?

I do not have an aversion to work, only to the meaning behind it. I think some others could at least agree that without a passion for your work, it is hard to achieve its goals. That much is obvious. My resolution last year was not to have fear. Vague, and quite impossible, but the resolution then was not to be controlled by fear. Largely, I think I achieved that goal. This year, my resolution is not to make excuses. Again, it is vague.

There shouldn't be a cause for lacking motivation or working at a job you hate. I could point out that the job market is still pretty bad, but that only makes another excuse. How does writing have anything to do with whether or not I have a job that I like? I suppose (and this is a proper example) that not having a wonderful job would give you more time to write. I am stifling the urge to erase all of thise text. It's borderline "emo" and it makes me upset to be its creator.

I find a lot of negativity creeping into my actions and thoughts lately. My mind is breathing in a sauna. I keep asking myself what it is that I need to feel happier. The short answer to that is that I feel frustrated. On the surface, things seem like they should be fine. I've got a job, a fiance, a place to live, a car, and free time. But I am not happy with myself, and no amount of things can fill that void. It's something I've told Laurel about herself, rather callously I might add.

I shouldn't expect any of this writing to be good. I haven't practiced. It has become rusty.

I've got to to better at finding a teaching job...career. It doesn't make sense to give up now. I know that my time here at ITT is only transitory. I'm not meant to sell things. I enjoy teaching and I'm good at it. I would be a benefit to any school and to its students. Do I have to accept that I'll never make $100K a year? Not necessarily, but the reality is that I can do something that I love, something that keeps me learning, and helps me pass on knowleadge to future generations. It is something that inspires me and that will keep me writing. I cannot do a job for which I have no passion. I am emotional because I am passionate. If I cannot feed passion, then I cannot feed my joy for life. I am at my best when I am confident and in love with the world. Laurel has only seen glimpses of it. She loves me and she is marrying me and she has only seen a glimmer of the person I know I can be, but I must stoke that fire. I cannot keep imagining some future in which I am doing the things that I profess to love. I must do something about it. Whether it seems hard, or futile, or pedantic, I must accomplish the steps necessary to become a teacher. I have to network. I have to find people that will vouch for me and consider me for recommendation. Otherwise, I will continue in this stagflating cycle. Weeks will come and go, as will jobs, and opportunities. I will watch them rise and fall away, and slowly I will get up each morning and my hair will grey more. I will fluctuate as each happy moment is tainted by lingering doubts and I can only half-participate in joy because my mind wanders into fear. I cannot look past the love that stands in front of me any longer. If ever I loved Laurel, loved myself, then I must not stare past the bright future that I can still attain. I love to quote Tennyson, but it serves no purpose of inspiration if all I do is speak empty-pretty words. I impress others with the things I learned, the effort I only slightly gave in the past, and the simple query on Google. It is an embarrassing fix. It is a parlor trick. I work slight-of-hand and proclaim is as magic.

Conduct, Becoming


I actually forgot that I posted something in May. I posted the same thing on Facebook, but was met with you vitriol about how the world does not revolve around me. I was pretty angry at the sentiment. But it couldn't be helped. In the end, it's just a comment by someone that I was never close with and does understand me. Admittedly, I do not understand myself, but at least I realize that. Now.

I think that's mostly what I would find if I took the time to read all of the entries that I've posted in this journal over the last decade. More?

It's been a long time. I'd say that this year has been the most trying yet, but I think that they will all be the hardest until I find what it is that I want to do, not that I'm not doing anything now. I am, but it took a long time to find. It's, so far, much better than working at Enterprise and the money is better, though the benefits are a bit lacking in some areas. Still, working 14 hours a week at Vitamin World was a drag, and even then I was just excited to be working.

I don't necessarily like having to drive up to Tampa every day, but it could be worse. Honestly, it's not a very bad drive. At least most mornings it is very pretty. It rains most nights that I'm driving home, and it would be pretty as well if it weren't so torrential. That is, I am mostly unable to see at all. Tomorrow is the first payday, which is funny since this post will mirror my first payday in Japan from 2011. My computer had broken on that day and I had to buy a new hard drive. I was pretty upset, but happy that I could immediately blow all of my money drinking alone in my apartment, sitting on the floor, watching whatever shows I could download or find streaming. That was my excitement and I was more than happy to be broke for two weeks, just to afford $40 worth of Mos Burger every night after drinking copious amounts of Chu-Hi and sake. It's really no surprise that did not enjoy Japan. I didn't really enjoy the last year in Korea as well, partly because that's exactly what I did every night as well, granted I ate a lot more cheese ramyeon. Big difference! I was miserable, but I that's where drinking leaves you. Part of me knew it, ALL of me knew it; I was at once smart enough to know the dangers of what I was doing and blatant enough to say, "Fuck that." And so I drank and I blamed it on boredom, and I still maintain that to a degree, I was bored but I'm not sure that the drinking solved anything. Boredom never was the cause. I think that I just hated myself and felt so removed from anyone close that I didn't care what I did to my body.

I'm not sure that I've completely rectified the situation of self-love, but I do feel an appreciable amount of self-worth that I haven't felt in a long time. I'm not sure I'll ever get over trying to be perfect and viewing myself as less than I am, because I cannot adhere to those guidelines. At least I can acknowledge that. I'm trying to be as humble as I can, but it's proving diffifult. I don't know what I have to brag about, but things are going well. Laurel and I have been together for over a year. June 8, 2012. We have a house and dogs and Saturday I am going to buy a car. I have a job and most weekends off. This is what I came home to do. Now that I have it, I want more. And that's the rub, I'll always want more. I think learning your limitations is a valuable lesson, if I thought I had limitations. Two wolves. Haha. Must they always be redefined?

And so the cycle goes...things are better, much better than they were. I enjoy my current stage in life, and I'm mostly happy save for the neurosis that I inflict upon myself, but overall satisfied so far. I hope a year from now, I can read this and be that much further along with whatever it is that I continue to further along. Until then, get amongst it!


May. 21st, 2013

I want to tell you all how great I think that the world is and how sometimes I want to kick it in the face for being such an infuriating place to love. I think that this affair began back in childhood, but certainly solidified itself in the years since Dad passed away.


I have wanted to do that for a few months now. I am so stressed. It makes me wonder if I have ever known stress at all. Maybe I'm taking it to all new levels? This is the legendary Super Stress(an. It's just been a lonely, lonely time ever since I came to Japan. I had to ask myself the other day, "When do I let myself have some comfort?" It might sound silly. Any throwaway money that I have (which is none, but I WILL convince myself once a month that 10,000 can be spent on something that I enjoy) Seriously though, I convinced myself not to bring my 360 because I believe I should try to find new hobbies and get out more. I've left guitars all over the country and world. It really has nothing to do with those things does it? If I wanted to get out and do things, I would have done them anyway. I've had a gaming console everyday of my life since I was in the 1st grade. I got out and did a lot of things in those 23 years. What age are you in 1st grade?

These things weren't meant to be put away. I get myself carried away on diversions all of the time. True, some of those diversions became lifelong loves of mine. This isn't the time to reinvent myself. I AM myself. I am never going to be anything but that. I will never stop trying new things. That's what I love the most about EVERYTHING. It is what gives me scope. I was upset the other day over something seemingly innocuous. Sammy told me that he was going to start playing Skyrim. It irritated me. Why? That's ridiculous. All of my friends are playing Skyrim right now, why should Sammy be any different? Part of it is jealousy. I see what Sam has accomplished since 2005 and I'm amazed, not that he could do it, but the way in which he has done it. And he's nearly there, at the pinnacle of his academic pursuits, and I am both happy for him and jealous. Of course, I mean, I love Sammy. I talk to him more than almost any other person, and I have no problem admitting that I feel this way. It has so much more to do with myself though, looking back at what I have accomplished at the same time. I have a hard time finding what it is that I am proud of over the past six years. And that isn't really the point of this whole entry. It is a part of it, certainly. I'm not ashamed at what I've been doing. It hasn't been an easy road.

Why was I upset about Skyrim? It's because I don't know what I have an exceptional ability to do. Sounds silly, right? I have grown up my whole life around exceptionally gifted people. I've gone to school with them from elementary school all the way through college. I've compared myself to them. I've competed with them. It has been the majority of my life. This isn't an excuse to say that I feel bad. It's just that I can look at all of my friends and feel happy for them about something they are really good at doing. Haha, so am I implying that Skyrim was MY thing? No. It's just another reason to feel competitive, and that's what bothers me about it. I hope anyone reading this can follow this stream of consciousness. I'll admit, I'm having a hard time of it as well.

So, I thought, what am I good at doing?


I'm good at being an arbiter. Unless it's my own problems, I'm really good at seeing both sides of an argument and coming to a compromise. It's about trying new things. Not only do I personally love trying things, but I end up obsessing about them. I become the lover of that new thing. I'll spend two months reading about it constantly. I'll talk to everyone about it. I'll invest in it. I'll do it. I'll really live it. Then I got what I wanted, and I'm done. And what it gives me is the ability to understand people much better than I did before. I can talk to so many people because there is a good chance that I've tried, or listened to, or seen, or played at least something that they like doing. And I guess, it's kinda hard to lose yourself after a while, because, which one are you? What's YOUR thing? It's why I liked Nyarlathotep the best from the Chtulu mythos. It's why I chose a Genasi when I played D&D. I wanted characters that could change on a whim.

It was a mistake to leave my console home. It was a mistake to buy a violin and not a guitar. I need more books. I'm glad I've been reading so many comics lately. I never liked manga that much. I only read my first one two years ago. I'm not a manga guy. I'm a comic guy. Give me Deadpool everyday over Ichigo. I love the colors and the ridiculous stories. They make me comfortable. I expect them to be a certain way: over-the-top, colorful, explosions, humor-I-can-understand-beyond-pratfalls. That's part of who I am. I've dedicated a significant portion of my life, not just to playing games, but LOVING them. I can write you detailed accounts of moments that I CRIED because a game was beautiful. And guitar, the guitar was one of those things I picked up on a whim at the end of high school-- a good example of one of those times that tangent made its own tree. And if I look back over my years on myspace and facebook, guess what you'll find there? Lots of pictures of me playing the guitar. I've written songs on it. I've always loved it.

So no. I'm taking something back. I may not be the best at everything. I may not be the person that my friends are. I may not have continued my education, gotten married, had kids, or gotten the job that I've always wanted, but I'm not done yet. In the meantime, I am making a pledge.

On this day, the Seventeenth of December in the year Two-Thousand-and-Eleven, I, James Mula, hereby pledge to:
1) Continue console gaming at my discretion, pursuant to my interests and in defiance of anyone who does not like gaming, during all time periods during which I am not working at my job.
2) Spend more time reading comic books because I prefer color to black-and-white and comics have an intrinsic nostalgia value. Also, Helmut Zemo and Deadpool.
3) Play more guitar.
4) Remember that I have skills that may not be readily visible to others, but that which I know about and am sure that people close to me recognize as well.
5) Continue to create.
6) Continue to try and understand the world around me better.
7) Remember not for forget who I am during this journey.
8) Play a million percent more D&D.
9) Try harder to be decisive.

Happy Autumn!

Eleven years of posting. I can't believe it's been that long. I remember when Alex had to send me the code so that I could join the site. Consistency has not been the theme here. Since I began the journal, each year has seen a decline in posting. For a while, I averaged a few posts a week. Now, entire months disappear without any updates.

Today is the equinox, Mabon, one of my favorite days of the year. The weather will now cool and the days will blend into each other as an uninterrupted painting. People should not put my desk near windows. I never get any work done.

That being said, I am clearly not getting any work done now either. Because of Typhoon Roke yesterday, school was cancelled. The students are making up their tests today which means I am not teaching. I was going to use the time to cut out Scrabble letters, but I still have four hours left of the day. The weather outside is amazing. I would love to be doing anything out there. I wandered downstairs a little while ago and stood in the bicycle area so that I could enjoy some of it.

I totally got sidetracked again, looking at picture of Byron Lake Park in Oakdale. I think I'm going to go sit outside now. Screw this desk situation.


Asleep on the Tatami


It has been a long time since I posted in the LJ. It seems like everyone I know has now deleted their journals, but I refuse to do such a thing. There is too much history here to simply walk away. In any case, it is a place that I can post without having to worry about the Facebook crowd.

I don't know what compelled me to do it, but I went on a search last night for this DJ Doboy mix that I used to like a lot in college. I finally found it and listened to it on the way to and from work today. I was glad that I did. I can't remember the last time that I listened to vocal trance. It has prompted me to load up Streamripper and head over to di.fm (Digitally Imported) So, now I'm listened to vocal trance streams. It's nice and relaxing. If I wasn't so concerned with the drivers in Nagoya, I might listen to this while on the bike. Speaking of the bike, Moyashi cannot handle long distances. We've passed the 100 mile mark together and all of a sudden, strange noises and performance issues have crept up. It's not surprising. He wasn't built to train. He is a cruiser. Made for nice, leisurely rides around the city and to work. He's not meant to punished up and down hills, with a stubborn refusal to slow down. Still, I love my bike. It's the only big purchase I have made in Japan, and honestly, he wasn't such a big purchase.

So, what's the update? I don't know that I've posted anything at all about Japan. So, here goes.

March. The first couple of months were difficult. It's funny to look back on only two months ago and remember how hopeless I felt. I really did. It's not easy to say that now, but I was not so sure that I made the right choice in coming to Japan. I remember my first night in this apartment very well. Patrick said that the futon would be coming at 7PM. It never came. I attempted to sleep on the tatami, but it was too uncomfortable. I was awake most of the night. Though, I was proud to be in my own apartment in Japan. Part of me reconciled the fear with the triumph of having finally made it to Japan. That feeling of accomplishment, however, did not sustain me over the next 60 days. I officially would not start teaching in Nagoya until May 18. Luckily, I spent much of April helping out at a school in Komaki. School lunches and work kept my mind from wandering (mostly) to the idea that I was alone in a new country with almost nothing except for clothes and a computer. Everything felt desperate. I desperately wanted to meet friends, I desperately wanted a table and chair, I desperately wanted to speak the language, and most of all I desperately wanted some kind of purpose outside of teaching.

July. If anything has changed, it's only the perception. I actually ditched the futon. The Japanese summer is very humid, and with a lack of AC, mold can be a problem. My futon was a casualty. For the past two weeks, I've been sleeping on the floor of the tatami room (the same one that was too uncomfortable in March). I've been sleeping extremely well on it. Granted, by the end of the day I am very tired. My sister suggested about a month ago that the reason I couldn't sleep at night, was because I didn't push myself hard enough during the day. I used to just excuse it and say that my mind just doesn't shut off, but she pointed out that even if my mind didn't stop thinking about things; if my body was tired enough, it would sleep. Well, as one might suspect, it works.

I missed that feeling. I used to describe it as one of my favorite-- the feeling right before you fall asleep, or rather, the moment you realize you are drifting into sleep. It's as if you can feel the subconscious and dreamworld overtaking reality.

Anyway, as I was saying. I've given up on a bed. I'm convinced that I actually sleep better on the ground. At least, my back seems to feel pretty good. Again, other factors are to be considered, but it certainly has had a positive impact. I still haven't made any friends. Well, that's not entirely true. I did meet a girl who came to my house to see if I wanted to look at apartments for her company. She spoke excellent English. So, I decided that with this new energy and positive attitude, I'd go last Saturday to see this apartment building (which is so expensive, it's ridiculous) So, I took the bike down near the port and met for the appointment. She had actually converted all the measurements into English AND Standard. It was actually pretty fun. I really liked the 2 bedroom apartment. One day, I would like to have that kind of apartment. It was the perfect size. So, when the meeting was over, she asked if I had a Facebook, which I do. She said she doesn't get to speak English that much, and that we should get together for lunch or dinner some time. I agreed. So, I guess you could say, that she is my first official friend in Japan.

Otherwise, teaching and cycling have taken over my life. Public school life is great. I love it. I don't know how I put up with Hagwons for so long in Korea, other than that the money is very good. But to feel so stressed all the time and have terrible hours, I would not go back to that. I really never thought I would enjoy a job that required me to be awake at 5AM, but it turns out that I am fine with it, as long as I get myself to bed at a reasonable hour.

The rest is cycling. MWF I use the bike to commute. It's a 12 mile round trip, and as someone new to the sport, it has been more than suitable, especially with all the hills. I will most likely continue on the MWF routine for a few more weeks. School is out now, but I can find other places to bike. I went out for a long ride last Saturday after the apartment meeting, but this weekend I am going to save it for Sunday. I have not decided where I want to visit this time. I have not yet seen Nagoya Castle, so I might make a trek up that way. It's actually not much farther than my school. The goal of this is that I'd like to actually start training. That's what I liked about running. I pushed myself harder. When I felt like I was stagnating, I stepped it up. I felt like there was a goal. Commuting to work is great. There is no denying it, but it doesn't give me the same rush. Maybe it's because I am going to work. I've decided that in September, I will buy another bike. This time, I was invest in it. I am waiting for September for several reasons. The first being, that I often become obsessed with hobbies, only to leave them after several weeks. Now that I think about it, that extends to more than hobbies. I want to prove to myself that I can stick with it. It's not just important as an athletic endeavor, but important for my physically, and invaluable to me mentally. Being active is the only way that I have found to successfully overcome anxiety. I dislike feeling unhealthy and health is my biggest worry. Therefore, the only way to defeat it is to become healthier. The second reason I am waiting until September is that I am not sure what kind of bike I want. I am certain that I do not want a mountain bike. It just doesn't seem like my thing. I would like to race. I loved Cross Country and the endurance involved in it, which brings me to Touring bikes. I could potentially take trips out into Japan, camp, and really get to see what it's all about. In many ways, it would be the complete opposite of what I did in Korea. But, if I get a racing bike, I could still make trips under 100 miles eventually within a day, which gets me to nearly everywhere I'd want to go. So, I have to focus on what kind of biking I want to do. The third reason, is that my birthday is in September, and buying a new bicycle, as great as that is for me as a present to myself, is only second compared to knowing WHY I get to buy it. If I can look at myself on my birthday and be proud that I stuck with it and can now upgrade and really get into the sport, I will have given myself a healthy dose of self-respect. I can't imagine a present to myself from myself that could be better.

About the perception that I had mentioned earlier. I have been taking the time, both in the morning and at night, to spend several minutes meditating. I don't think that's the right term to use, but I like to spend a few minutes before I go to sleep focusing on the things that I did well that day and promising to continue. I spend the first few minutes in the morning reminding myself of what I had promised and thanking that I get to see a new day. I know that so many people say that this helps. I can often be very cynical, and dismiss this kind of advice; but it actually helps. I think we forget how much time we spend devoting to everything but ourselves. And by devoting time to ourselves, I do not means playing games, or listening to music, or reading; I mean taking a silent moment out of our busy lives, to have a conversation with ourselves. To check up, so to speak, and see how we're doing. It's been peaceful.

So the things that bothered me when I first came here? Well, I still want a desk and chair. I can't deny that. Studying on the floor is not very conducive to organization and extended periods of concentration. Does it bother me though? No, I'll get a desk and chair soon. All the other things, well if I want them, I will get them. If I don't know how, then I will find a way. If I want more friends, I have to go out and find them. And that is basically what I tell myself every night before I go to sleep. If you want something, go and get it. It's my life. It's up to me. And in that statement, in that belief, there is absolute freedom. And that might be why I like cycling so much, because I can go wherever I want to go. It's up to me.

Alright, I'm taking off now. I am actually getting a bit tired. Here's looking forward to many more good adventures in Japan!

Jun. 25th, 2011


Why Vegeta? Why Griffith? Alex once asked me why I loved them more than any other characters. Ultimately, it is because I don't think either of them were evil characters in the beginning. I wanted to believe in them because I thought they could be redeemed. Vegeta is a much more favorite case to me than Griffith. Nothing was ever taken from Griffith. Vegeta was made a captive prince and had to watch his entire race get exterminated while he was sent on a suicide mission. Griffith was pure ambition. Even if they could save the world, though, would it have made a difference to their outward perception? Unlikely. Vegeta had the choice of letting the world end or fusing with Goku. At least he was given some credit. The manga is much kinder to Griffith. Cruelty in the short term is better than being a long-term liar. Everyday needs more Spike Speigel.

Apr. 3rd, 2011


This is my first post from Japan. I wish it were under better circumstances. I think I`ll start at the beginning. We had training last week from Sunday until Wednesday. That part I enjoyed very much. I met some nice people. Took away a lot of things that I wish I had known while teaching in Korea. While half of the things, I think would be impossible to do with classes of 40 students, they would have been great to run in my very small classes back in Cheongju. So, training was pretty good. Then came Wednesday. For some reason, I thought the day was going to be much longer than it was, but it was very short. We mostly just did medical checks. As an aside, I think having the enkai the night before medical checks is a terrible idea, as mostly everyone was looking and feeling pretty terrible. We finished up everything around 2, but I was probably the last one to actually leave. Patrick and John gave me the keys to my apartment, a prepaid cell phone that I can use for a month, and a map on how to get there. I didnt really feel like pulling around those two large cases full of stuff to the subway and to the apartment, but it couldnt be helped. I had to do this rather quickly, as my futon was supposed to be coming between 6 and 9 PM.

Anyway, a little after 5:15 I arrived in Minato-ku, which is the ward in which I am living currently. The map was not very helpful at all, since it did not indicate any actual directions; however a very nice ancient-looking old man stopped to try and help me out, although he didnt know where I was supposed to go either, but did indicate the street that I was on. He found a shop owner to help me find my way. Its a good thing too, because I was going in the opposite direction. Anyway, I made it up to my place and was at least happy that it has high ceilings, which give it the appearance of being large. It is, however, not very big at all. In fact, I wish I HAD just gotten stuck with a leopalace, since I would have internet already. As far as things inside the apartment, well, there isnt really anything. Ive got a single hotplate, a refrigerator, and a newly acquired futon (which did NOT come on the first night, because apparently they had written down the wrong day). So as far as my apartment, you now have all the details. I have not cooked anything, or heated anything up, as I do not have the basic things required to do them. I have been living off of bento at the FamilyMart, which is also getting expensive.

I have been sick for three days now. I suspect that the stress of moving and the radical change in temperature from Florida has had quite a bit to do with it. Thursday night I suspected something might be up, but was so happy to have a futon that I didnt really care. Friday afternoon, however, I knew the jig was up. The post-nasal drip started in, followed by a headache, followed by just about every other muscle ache, and a general feeling of listlessness. It`s just as well. I have nothing to do but be inside and try to study anyway.

All in all, this has been a very hard time. I dont really know what I was expecting, maybe thats the problem. Maybe I was just expecting so much and there has to be a beginning. A time when things ARENT exciting. But since I have been here, I have not had one moment of excitement. I mean, not even a feeling of accomplishment like ``I made it!`` I wanted to come here to Japan for so long. But now that I am here, I just feel sick, lonely, and frustrated. I know that I was warned that two months rent were coming out of my first paycheck, but I forgot all about that. On top of that, Nagoya contracts pay MUCH less than the other contracts. After all is said and done, my May 20 pay with be ¥15,000. This does not make me happy. I am hoping Graham contacts me soon about having to teach somewhere else for April. He said it wasnt a matter of IF he needed help, but WHERE. I think it would be good to get out and start teaching as soon as possible. It would also take a lot of stress away if I knew I was going to get paid something in May.

I cant tell you how badly I want a chair. Im sitting at the internet cafe now in this comfortable computer chair and I am about to fall asleep. This is the most comfortable I have been in a week. I am finding clevel ways of using trash though (since I am accumulating it quickly) My futon box is now my desk. I cut a hole into the side of it so that I can stretch my legs out. I was thinking about using the futon cover on it so that it almost resembles a table. God, this chair is awesome. I guess what really annoys me about the futon is not its lack of comfort, I CAN fall asleep on it. Its that I cant change position without waking up to do it. Maybe these are all just normal gripes from someone who has just moved here. I wish I had studied more before I came. While I dont know how to say a great deal of things (textbooks should be ordered in logical-problem based patterns) but that even if I do say something, the next 3 minutes of things spoken at me, I have no idea of the meaning.

I really want to eat ramen. It was such a big achievement when I was in Fukuoka, to finally have awesome ramen, and I have been here a week-- wow, it feels like much longer, and I have not yet had any. In fact, I havent had any Japanese food at all. Our enkai was at a Chinese restaurant. I had Chinese on day one because I went out with a group for lunch. Ive had bento, but mostly pork cutlet, which as you all know, I have had many times in Korea. I DID have soba one day, though, and I guess that counts.

I am just very stressed right now and dont feel like I am going to shake this cold today or tomorrow. I could use a nice hot cup of tea. Anyway, enough of my bitching. Im sure it will get better in time. As soon as I figure out what the hell I am doing. Take care.



Tomorrow, again

I wish I could be a good person, at least what I think one should be; but I am not. It's been easy except for some moments. This is not true, when I listen to Sleepsong. I put that in my truck and I...don't know what comes over me. I don't know why I am angry, but then, THEN when that song is on, I don't feel anything but rage, a silent rage. I could tear the steering wheel out of my truck.

And my Pop, Pop, dad's father, will not last this week. Again, my mother flies up on Monday. Sam and I will follow. Again, can we not rest? I suppose 5 deaths in two years is enough. Fuck this. Fuck it, insomuch as, stop putting us through this. I can't show any emotion anymore anyway...I know the words...but the heart, I think it's gone. Except for Shea Stadium. "Last Play at Shea" with Billy, man that had me in tears all night.

1989 September. Expos v. Mets. Wo sat there all night for that game on my birthday. Rained out. Last time I was at Shea. God damn, I loved that place. I miss pop. Who else can I talk to about this? Who can I talk to about sports anymore? It's all gone.

Me, Johnny, and Sam, are going to see the Yanks on Monday, while I send mom off to Pop. Christ, how many family members do we have to lose in 2 years? 2 uncles, 1 dad, and 2 grandfathers (one dog and a cat as well...love you Cider and KC) For fuck's sake. There is no loving part of me left in the world. Just a cynical asshole. I hope to hear good music once again, if for nothing else but to want to be enraged at people on the road. I wish for one night, not to cry because I am the one going to the old condo everyday, and no one else wants to do it. I wish I didn't have to drive in there ever again, especially not to remember the look on my dad's face the night I brought him back Olive Garden when he didn't expect it. "What A treat!" God damn...god fucking damn it.

Their slowest song for last

Had a great night tonight. Went to Brew Co. Talked about counseling and helping out at-risk teenagers. We played some pool. We would have left at 8:30 but then we were talking for so much longer. There was listening and singing Less-Than-Jake for the ride, and stories from Gainesville about Unsung Zeros and The Busdrivers.

Oh man, I've been looking for this song forever! Glasseater - Art of Communication. I got a shirt once at Boogie Woogie that had this song on the back. Great shirt. Hard to find the album again, though.

Great times. Great, great times. Oh man. Must do again.

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January 2014



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